Sometimes I just want to say fuck.

There, I said it. My website, my rules.

I had some time to think about this post, and I battled with whether or not I would even share it. To drop the f-bomb on a wedding website might be a little backwards, but I want you to know ME. I want to share that I am not perfect nor do I want to pretend to be. I am a regular person who you probably have a few things in common with.

Last week, I had a little breakdown. Our cat Toby died. Sunday he was relatively fine (despite his age-he was 13), and by Tuesday morning he was gone.

Life is so fragile, and I feel like I’ve been reminded of that a lot lately.

Let me take you back to a couple of weeks ago. Andy and I were photographing a couple, and the question of how they met came up. They said that she was a nursing student visiting a homeless shelter, and he was a resident living in that shelter and in recovery from using heroin. My jaw was on the floor. Not just because of their story, but by the candor in which they told it.

Right away, I blurted out that my dad had been a heroin user. The couple asked me how long he had been clean for.

“He OD’ed in 2012,” I said, “He’s gone.”

It chokes me up and liberates me at the same time to talk about my dad. The person that he was is not defined by his addiction. He was gentle, funny, and sweet. He wrapped the people he loved in bear hugs and had the most incredible laugh. It’s hard to talk about him without explaining why he is no longer around.

My dad is a part of me. And I carry that with me wherever I go. As a photographer, it hurts me to admit that I don’t have many pictures of my dad at all. I felt like it was never a good time to photograph him. And now I regret that.

I say the f-word because there are so many reasons why I shouldn’t share this.

But I want to.

There are people out there, like the couple above, who have had some intense moments in their lives, and are ok with people knowing about their struggle. That couple might not know it, but they helped me with my own grief. And I hope this helps someone else.

I take pretty pictures, but I have some battle scars too.

xoxo